To say, Hey, can you come to help me move? Can you come, help me do that? Can you come up? Yeah, I'll help. The reason being behind all of this has to do with understanding your childhood, understanding how you grew up, and then doing the shadow work to flip the script so that you start to be able to hold tension better. Also, it's kind of weird. I'll explain it in a minute, hold tension better, and have a sense of self-worth. This is what's important. Many of you may know, I've talked about this a lot. My dad grew up when I was growing up. My dad is the nicest guy you will ever meet. No joke. He's the nicest guy ever. He also got walked on when I was growing up. I watched my ex step-mom walk on him and my brother and me. My ex stepmom was very controlling, very manipulative from the age of seven to 16 years old. She was in my life and the role models I had growing up because she kind of brainwashed my brother and me not to want to see our real mom.
All we had was them two as the feminine, a masculine archetype in my life. What I became aware of is I would watch my dad many times. He's so nice, very good at his job. He's a fire investigator for a living, but I would notice that he would just get completely walked on no matter how nice he was. It wasn't like he would actually come out on top. Even after the divorce, when I was 16 or 17 years old, my dad divorced my ex stepmom and my ex stepmom lied about a lot of things. She lied about how much money she made so that she got more money from my dad. I watched how much pain that caused my dad by not having a sense of boundaries, not claiming his own power. And it made me really look at why he is the way he is because then I realized that myself growing up for a good chunk of my life, I was also a nice guy up until about three or four years ago.
Especially this last year or two, when I've come, I feel like I've let go of that at such a great level. The nice guy, what I realized is a, of not feeling worthy, holding complete already. If I just do something more for you, then I'll finally be worthy whole and complete it's that notion it's that underlying story. What I became aware of is the more I was like that first off, it just didn't feel authentic. The author, the nice guy, or the people pleaser is not being authentic. They are doing something being a certain way to get something out of you. That thing out of you would be the validation, the approval. If you're the nice guy of the people, pleaser, which you might be, if you're reading this blog, it's about understanding that shadow aspect, understanding that there's a sense of unworthiness there and a thought, a belief, a story that if I am a certain type of way, then I will receive that validation and I will gain that love, but it actually works the other way around.
The first thing that I want to tell you is that it doesn't actually work. You don't gain respect as a people pleaser because people see that you don't have boundaries and they will walk all over you and you don't gain the respect of a nice guy. Women are not attracted to nice guys, theoretically, in the mind, it sounds like this great idea and this nice guy that will buy gifts for someone to do whatever someone wants. But guess what women do not respect. Nice guys. It does not sexually attract them because it signifies to the woman that the nice guy is more of what they call a beta male. The nice guy. It does not have boundaries. The nice guy cannot protect and keep the feminine to feel safe because he's not even authentically re really being himself. The nice guy, once you realize that the nice guy and the people pleaser, they think that what they're doing is getting what they want to be realized it doesn't work no matter how many gifts you buy for some girl that you like, it's going to actually most likely deep.
If you're buying the gift because you want validation. If you're buying a gift, cause you want to buy your gift, that's different. But it's, it's about understanding why you're doing what you're doing. People can feel the energy. If you feel like you're unworthy, that's going to be reflected back to you. Once you realize that being a nice guy or being a people, pleaser is actually hurting you. It is killing sexual attraction and it is causing people to walk on you and not respect you. That's when you can then make a choice to change. I know that when I became aware of this, I really became aware of it on my dad first off. I can notice it. My dad, I'm like, okay, well that must have affected me somehow. In many ways, I'm actually, I do kind of the opposite of what some of my dads have done because I saw it.
Didn't get them great results with my ex stepmom. There's a lot of things that my dad wanted me to kind of do growing up. I've really rebelled against it. Like, you know, go to go to graduate from college and stuff like that. I was just like, man, I want to own my own business. I don't want to actually do that. I made the choice. I said I'm going to go do this. It's obviously worked out well. But what I had to do is I had to like pave my own path. It really developed me. You either normally take on what you learned from your parents, or you reject it, you rebel against it. In many ways, that actually helped me because it helped me to deter myself to become someone that creates life on my terms. A lot of times you'll notice that nice guys or people-pleasers this isn't always but many times nice guys and people pleasers will be in what is called middle management.
They may work their way up to middle management, but then wonder why am I not being promoted to even a higher level? I'm sucking up, I'm doing this. I'm doing that. Well, the things that would cause you to be the kind of person that could be at the high level are normally what you would resist because it requires tension. It requires not always being the nice guy, maybe having to fire somebody or having to be the bad guy. Sometimes you see. When you realize there’s, pain involved with being a nice guy or a people pleaser, it makes it so much easier for you to say, Oh, this isn't actually getting me the results that I think I am anything we do, by the way, we do, because of some type of payoff, there's some type of payoff there being the nice guy, the nice guy to be in the payoff is that I'm going to get what I want.
If I'm nice, then you're going to like me. It doesn't actually work that way. But that's the belief being a people pleaser. It's the same thing. Well, if I do what you want, then what I get is I don't challenge. The payoff is I don't challenge you to redefine the way you see me. I don't challenge you and do something that you don't approve of. Once you realize it's not authentic, you're seeking out validation and it lowers your value. Because as a, especially as a nice guy, by the way, you need to have boundaries. You need to create, be the star of your own movie, beyond your purpose. As you have this, then you can have feminine energy. Somebody that comes in that can feel safe in your presence. The nice guy though has zero boundaries and the nice guy will do anything.
He can gain your validation, gain your support, to get your approval. Because of that, that then lowers the sexual attraction. It's the same thing with people, pleasers people, pleasers. It's the same thing. It's hard to say, no, it's saying yes to things that you don't necessarily prefer. I used to be a people pleaser. I used to work as a sales commission job. I think that one of the reasons I did that for selling this because I enjoyed that, that spike of validation that I get from helping someone look at a woman's shoes. But the key was being aware of what this is now. What does it really? It is a safety mechanism. It is a safety mechanism. You are doing these things because you believe you will get validation or approval back in return. It will make you worthier and it will keep people, people around.
What comes at the cost of that though? Your own sense of happiness, your own authenticity. These are things that get put on the background because of that perspective. The key is understanding where this comes from now. This is what notice about people, pleasers, and nice guys. A lot of times, these, these people come from, I use the word parent pleasing parent. Imagine you had to please your parent growing up, your parents withheld their love unless you were a certain way. If you acted a certain way, then they would give you their love. There are many causes. This is one of them. It could also have not even been from your parents could have been from friends. It could have been from other family members. It could have been from people you're around growing up. But a lot of times people-pleasers come from parent pleasing having to please and do and be a certain way in order to gain the love of your parents.
Then this primed in a way that I'm not good enough already. If I can make you happy, then I will get something and I'll get that validation, love, and approval with my ex stepmom and my, my brother and it was never good enough. We were always in trouble. We had to, we were normally locked out of the house, working outside all day. We had to earn, going to certain school activities. We weren't allowed to have friends. We weren't allowed to watch TV. We were given a bowl of cereal in the morning and a TV dinner at night. We were very skinny. In order for us to gain approval, we would have to do all of these chores and then hope it was good enough. Well, guess what happened after my dad divorced, when I was 17, 16 or 17, I then would go out into the world and I would then try to do and be a certain way, get through your approval of other people.
If I would just do and be a certain way, then I would gain their approval. But this left me feeling weak. Let me fill it in. Authentic, led me feeling drained. Then once I became aware of this, though, this is when it changes. It's the awareness of it. A lot of times as well, nice guys and people-pleasers, they may have had someone abandoned them. They abandoned their love from them. Because of that, you know, realize that as a kid, as a, as a kid, we are little narcissists. What I mean by that is as a kid, anything that happens, your parents' divorce. Somebody calls you a name, your parents tell you to shut up. You assume it's everything to do with you. We think it's all about us. If a parent abandons you, you view it as you are not worthy.
That's how we think. We don't understand that maybe the parent was addicted to drugs and left and all this other stuff we just assume, Oh, it's because I'm not worthy. I'm not enough. Here's what I noticed. My dad, who was like the nicest guy in the world, my dad's dad. I never actually met him. From what I understand, he was drinking a lot of alcohol. He was in and out of. He was like very intermittently in my dad's life. My dad did not have a great relationship with his dad. My dad's dad abandoned him in many ways. Because of that, and he also, my dad did not have a masculine role model growing up. Because of that, I believe that that caused and was part of his reason for being a nice guy. Because then this is the key to all of these.
It's rooted in a sense of unworthiness. It says I'm not worthy unless I do X, Y, or Z, unless I people please unless I'm a nice guy, it's rooted an unworthiness. If you focus on your own sense of worthiness, that would change everything. That's what I did. I started focusing on why I'm already worthy. I started to become aware of it. 90% of transformation is becoming aware of the story that was unconscious become aware of your story about abandonment, about parent pleasing, about not being good enough. If you become aware of these and it could have been, your parent was there, but they just emotionally weren't there. That you were treated a certain way. You know, these, there are different variations of this when it's all rooted in a sense of unworthiness, which is a story that I'm not worthy of. The way you transform this is first off, you become aware of it.
The next thing you do, this is the cure. The cure is to actually be selfish. The nice guy and the people pleaser does not want to hear this. You might be resisting it as you hear this right now, I want to be selfish. That sounds so bad. But you got to understand that your sense of value comes from within, by you doing what you want. If the nice guy is selfish, does what they want says what they want acts the way they want. They will become more sexually attractive in general, which would actually raise sexual attraction. If they would actually be selfish. Of course, there's a balance to this, right? You know, I look at my dad sometimes who attracted a narcissist in his life, which is my ex stepmom. Even though that's like the people pleaser verse, the narcissists, and a lot of times that'll be the attraction.
It's actually because the narcissist has something to teach the people pleaser. It sounds crazy right now, of course, the narcissist is the complete another end of the spectrum, the unethical and unbalanced and dark side of the spectrum who is treating and gaslighting people and all of that. However, what the people pleaser can learn or the nice guy can learn from the narcissist is take a little bit of a taste of what they do and how they are and apply it in your own life. Start to fill up your own cup. Start to be a little bit selfish, do what you want to do a site. That's why that polarity is there. That's why they attract each other. That's why I believe my dad attracted my ex narcissistic except mom. What my dad could learn is how to have boundaries, how to be okay with saying no to things he doesn't want to do.
As the people pleaser or the nice guy, when it started to be selfish and to do what you want to do, people would respect you more. Hey, can you help me do this? Do you want to come to do this? Come out tonight. You're like, oh, I don't really want to go out. But I guess I make now I need to because I want to be, I want their validation and approval. I don't want to let them down because you didn't want to let down your parent when you were a kid. But the key to this is learning that you can say no. By saying, no, you are actually saying yes to something else. If you say no to doing something you don't want to do, what are you actually saying? Yes to? You're saying yes to yourself. You're saying yes to your own happiness.
The other thing that nice guys need to learn to do and people pleasers in general is to be okay with tension, tension creates attraction, tension. Tension is having boundaries. What is okay? What is not okay. Being okay with that pool of energy. Instead of trying to please it's focused on its focused on the self is focused on making yourself happy. Of course, there's a balance to this. It doesn't mean becoming a narcissist, but what you need to hear as a nice guy where a people pleaser right now is to be a little selfish and by selfish, I mean, as a negative word for it, but to put the energy on you and what you want, you will then be more attractive. People will respect you more and be able to hold tension. Think about any movie you've ever watched. What makes it a great movie?
There is probably some type of tension in there. What's going to happen at the end. What's the main character going to do any, if you were to watch a sports game and the game and say you watch a basketball game and it's 95 to 12. You're not, you don't really even care to watch the end of it. Because you know, one, team's getting blown out. If you go to a basketball game, people will leave like in third. Cause it's that boring? There's no tension, but it's there's if it's like 96 to 94 and then it's from 97 to 1996 and then it's 196, like 97. It's like, it keeps bumping up and down. That's tension, tension creates attraction. What the nice guy has to do is be okay with tension. He says, Hey, you want to go here, go do this. Actually, I don't want to do that.
But yeah, nice guy. I would never say no. The people-pleaser would never say no if you are okay if you can become okay, but you see the tension growing up with the parent pleasing or the abandonment, the tension met as a survival mechanism that I want to lose love. I'm going, I'm going to become less. But if you were to be okay with tension, it's realizing there's good tension, good tension creates sexual attraction, telling someone, telling someone what you think, touching someone sometimes the nice guy to be afraid to touch someone that they're attracted to because it's like, Oh, they might reject me. When you start to become aware of these different aspects, that you have been afraid of tension because you've associated attention that it's bad because your parent may have been withholding their love or the abandonment. Then you can start to see that you can be an intention.
You can say no to people. You don't necessarily want to go hang out with and everything's going to be okay because your sense of worthiness does not come from them. It comes from within. This is the key. This is the key to transformation. The key to this though first off is becoming aware of this process, becoming aware of the story that you tell yourself about your past. One of the most powerful things you could do is to complete the past. If you complete the past, you no longer have to repeat the past. There's a meditation that when I began to do I let go of the pattern of ever attracting someone like my ex stepmom and know my life again because after my stepmom left, I attracted an ex-girlfriend that was similar to her and then a manager at a department at Nordstrom's that I used to work at.
Once I did this meditation, it let go of those patterns. I became aware of them. I completed the past. I no longer had to repeat the past. There's a meditation I have on completing the past. It's one of my most popular meditations. Let's do it for 21 days and watch how your life changes.