The Truth about Why A Narcissist is the way they are (not what you think)
Narcissists want attention because attention equals significance. The significance is the top value that a narcissist has for them to feel worthy. In this blog, I'm going to show you the inner workings of a narcissist and I'm going to share with you what you can do for yourself and for them and helping them in a very compassionate way rather than the old school society's way of looking at the enemy version of it. I've done a couple of videos on narcissists and sociopaths, and the reason being, many of you may have heard my story, but I had a narcissist or a sociopath. She was a mix of both in my life between seven and 15 years old.
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It was my ex stepmom. From that period of time, my brother and I had no freedom. My brother and I were a lot of times locked out of the house, working outside. We were always getting in trouble for things we didn't do. We'd have to admit that we did things that we didn't actually do. If we did admit that we did do these things, then we wouldn't be able to go to like school activities and things like that. We didn't have necessarily the normal childhood of growing up watching TV and hanging out with friends. We did up until seven years old. But then when my ex stepmom met my dad shortly after that, our freedom started to go away more and more. Then after two years, I think she started to get very comfortable. Then all of a sudden, my brother and I had to really learn how to deal with, or my dad's a firefighter.
He was gone 24 hours a day, back, 24 hours a day. He kind of would believe whatever she would tell him and she would really do things. In a way she would, it was a lot of it was around her in a way, making other people feel a certain way, and then she would feel better about that. That's where a lot of these things come around and I didn't realize till years later. I mean, I knew there was something, I thought it was maybe just borderline personality disorder or something like that. After, you know, my dad divorced her when I was 15 years old. Years later I realized I kept attracting people into my life that had these narcissist and sociopathic type tendencies. I was wondering, why does this happen?
I realized it was a pattern. It's what I thought I was worthy of. Once I became aware of this, I see it. It was like magic. It was like I became aware of this pattern that was within me, that was attracting, I was on the other side of this, attracting people like narcissists and sociopaths in my life. Not knowing why necessarily, but the faces would change, but the energy would remain the same. I didn't necessarily know why. Well, in this blog, that's why I want to share with you how you can move through it in a compassionate way. I've been learning more about how the narcissist thinks and their value system in a way. We all have our reality where our beliefs create our reality. Why is it that a narcissist thinks the way they do and has it to where they feel like they need to take someone else's energy or they need to have this sense of inflated sense of self.
Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. What happens is when we come into this, you know, reality, you could say we are experiencing reality in the ego. What happens is sometimes people learn at an early age to really emphasize the ego. The ego is what we use to experience reality. What happens though is that when people growing up learn that their sense of survival is based on self-importance, validation, or taking from other people, what happens is then they learn that that's the way to survive. That's the way to move through reality. They've learned it growing up. They've either learned it from someone that they were around growing up or they learned it from the opposite side of the spectrum. I think if you notice a lot of people that are narcissists, what they do is they crave energy. They want to be paid attention to, and many times if you look into their childhood, you know a lot of times in childhood what happens is childhood experiences kind of Mark and say, this is who I am.
There's something that happens in childhood where we say, this is who I am for a narcissist. What I believe happens if something happens and they decide that in order to get attention, they have to be a certain way. Maybe they have to act out, maybe they have to try to take it from other people. Maybe they learned that from a parent growing up or maybe they weren't given that attention by the parents growing up, so now they feel like they need to take it in order to get it. Maybe they were giving so much attention growing up that now that mom and dad are not around, they feel like they need to take it and they need to show off a little bit in order to get it or they need to always revert the attention back to them. But you see what happens is at a certain point in the past, a narcissist has a situation that happens to where then they feel less than and they see that the only way to survive is to have that of ways of bringing the attention back onto them.
Think about it. Beliefs in a way are a way of quickening the thought patterns that we have towards getting some type of result. If we don't have beliefs, it's like every situation is completely new and we always got to think of something else. Certainty is something that is one of the needs that we have. There are six human needs and then what we have is uncertainty. If everything was always certain, we'd eventually get bored. There are different degrees to this as well. Some people that feel certainty may crave security, but then you'll have some people that love uncertainty. They love adventures. They love going out and like not knowing what they're going to do. They don't like planning certainty. People really like planning. We all have different degrees of this. The certain one, the third one is the significance, which is feeling unique and special, which is feeling worthy. Then, we have a connection. Under connection, we have grown. Then undergrowth we have a contribution.
Here's the one I want to focus on. With narcissists, what has happened is there was a certain point in the past we were, what they did is they extremely valued significance and significance then became something that was all about survival in a way. If that significance wasn't there, then it means they're not worthy and it means that they might not survive. We all have an ego mechanism and the ego's job is to survive, not necessarily just with food and shelter, but survive in its ideal of what it thinks we are of who we define ourselves to beat. What has happened with the narcissist is the narcissist has had such a value of significance. We all have rules to these as how would I know that for example, connection. Like I say, I wanted to feel connected to my life and my connection.
I value feeling a connection with my family members and people in my life. What are the rules I have to when I know that that need is met, that I feel connected? Well, that rule is people texting me and telling me they loved me, which of course is not necessarily the best thing that it could be that people hug me when I see them. Could be that people call me to find out how I am. It could be that I reach out to them and I do this. Or you see, we all have our internal rules that are subconscious. The narcissist has a high degree of rule of significance that may say any wind people are paying attention to me, then my need is being met, then I feel worthy. What we'll find is that there could be many of these rules when this person feels this way.
When people feel less than that makes me feel better. These are things that are normally subconscious but what happens with somebody that is narcissistic is that they value significance. The very top of their list and they have some rules that they must meet in order to feel that significance and part of the significance intention are so that they feel worthy, they feel love. This is the thing and this is what I wanted to show you. It is not that a narcissist is an evil person who is out to get you. It is that they don't remember who they really are and if you feel like you may have narcissistic traits, understand that change is possible. The thing that the narcissist normally has problems with is seeing beyond the self-seeing beyond the self. We came into this experience to also be able to see through the eyes of others, which is called empathy, which is called being able to see how I make other people feel. What happens is a narcissist is so focused on the ego structure that it in a way blocks out. Being able to see how it makes this other person feel.
The power of this though is understanding that the narcissist at a certain point in their past valued significance at the top of their list. Maybe they learn that from the parents and then they had some rules that they had to attain in order to feel that worthiness and love. The narcissist wants to feel just as much love and worthiness as you do. They just don't understand exactly how to do that. What I wanted to do is to share a more compassionate view on this process because when I made videos on YouTube about this, and I talked about it on Instagram, I had people reach out to me and say, Hey, I feel like I may be a narcissist. When they said that to me, I then thought, you know, these people probably feel guilty about what and how they made other people feel before. There's nobody really speaking to them, showing them how they can get outside of that mindset, how they can get outside of feeling like they are in that survival mode.
The key to that though is realizing from the narcissist perspective that you have valued for just being you. You don't need to take other people's energy. You don't need to get attention from other people to be significant. You can give that to yourself from within and what you can realize is that your rules for worthiness are you feel worthy of being you not. Once you get attention from other people, you can really go inside of yourself and start to become aware and redefine yourself in a new way. The first thing you need to know as well is change is possible. Change is possible. If you go on Google and it'll say, Oh, this is some lifelong thing. If you can go beyond the self and you can go beyond the current story you tell yourself about who you are and what you need in order to get energy from other people, then you can begin to become aware of that.
The other side of this, we have the people that normally get kind of sucked into the funnel of a narcissist, and what happens is normally the people on the other side of the spectrum, here's the crazy thing, if they'd normally the lesson for them normally is to learn to have more ego structure in a way, have more boundaries in a way to develop their own sense of confidence to be able to say no drill to say, this is a, I need to focus on me and I think what happens a lot of times is that this person to become someone that over gifts and this is someone that overtakes. What happens in narcissistic type mentality is this person has a high degree of value of significance and is craving that from other people. A lot of times the people on the other end of it crave significance as well. It's just not the way in the rule they think they get significance is by giving. If I give to other people, then maybe they'll love me and the narcissist says if I take maybe, then I can feel worthy. You see the narcissist isn't so different. They both want significance. It's just the rules for significance are different. This blog is meant to help you become free on either side of the spectrum. Whether you feel like you have narcissistic tendencies or are a narcissist, or whether you feel like you've been the victim of a narcissist. Either way, you both have values of significance and the key is becoming aware of it and understanding that you have worthy of being you.
You don't need to be any way for me to love you. You don't need to act a certain way to be accepted and validated. You have worthiness for being you. It's just that when we grow up, we take on these beliefs, and these thoughts that it has to be a certain way and that we need to get certain things in order to survive. The key to this is all awareness and no, we didn't make an extraordinarily easy for you to feel worthy. Love holding complete. The key to this is understanding and practicing compassion. Compassion means the ability to still have compassion for ourselves on this side of the spectrum. If you find yourself, he is sucked into narcissists and giving them energy, it means having compassion for yourself. Maybe drawing those boundaries but doing it from a place of love, not from a place of you. Don't get to talk to me.
I love myself. And then here's the thing. When narcissists see that energy, compassion, the narcissist does not know how to respond from that level of compassion or that level of non-attention. I shared this story before, but one thing that my dad did is my dad still has to deal with my ex step-mom because they're, if they've been, even though they've been divorced, I have two half-sisters through my ex stepmom. What happened is my dad was going to therapy sessions for a while where it was like mediation for court and they would go to this therapist and anytime my dad would go sit in the waiting room, my ex stepmom would come in and just start yelling at him, embarrassing him, saying things, arguing with them, and my dad's just sitting there and my dad normally would like to start arguing back. What happened is one time I told him, I said, do you want a way around that? I'll tell you right now because I knew how she is. When she comes in and starts yelling at you in public and all this stuff, here's what you do. You completely pretend like she isn't even there and what he did is he just says, he just sat there. She came, she starts yelling at him. The next time that happened and he just stared and had a little smile on his face.
You wonder what happened. She yelled at him for about 30 seconds to a minute and then left. Didn't even stay for the appointment. She could not handle it because the attention was not being given to her. Either the key is the attention on this side of putting the attention on yourself and not feeding that reality, or it's having compassion and understanding that they too, whoever the narcissist is, it's just trying to get their needs met. They're just trying to feel significant. It makes it a little bit easier to understand what you when you understand it makes it a little bit easier for you to deal with this. Now I will say that one thing that really helped me with this process is forgiveness means forgiving my ex stepmom. She was treated a certain way. My ex stepmom growing up and she decided that that's how she had to be in order to survive, in order to be a certain way, and having that perspective allowed me to then forgive her more because I understood that it was just a false belief. It was just something that she thought her away. She thought she had to be in order to be loved. As I did, and as I became aware of this, I was then able to really forgive her and as I forgave her, I started to be free.
That was something that was a game-changer. If you're a narcissist or have narcissistic tendencies, or if you're on the other side of this and you feel like you've been the victim of a narcissist, or you want to help someone that is narcissistic, one of the most powerful processes I found for this is something called Hoʻoponopono, which is an ancient Hawaiian technique of saying four simple statements, and it really helps to heal within your own energetic field. This has been used. There's a scientific study on this where the doctor in Hawaii that was doing research on this did something where he was working at a psych ward and what he did is he never even met the patients, but what he did is he did this whole point of Hoʻoponopono process, these four simple statements, and he healed within himself what these people's reports, these people's stories were reflecting back to him.
Here's an interesting thing. When he did that, you want to know what happened. Within a couple of years, every single person inside that psych ward was then released and was, was, was cured of whatever they were going through. He never actually even met them. He just healed his image of them. What if, what has happened is we expect them to be a certain way and because we don't have a whole incomplete image of them, it reinforces that reality and what if that image of them, they also have of themselves and what happens is that then they can stay consistent to that at all costs. What if I change in our image of them and healing within ourselves? We then notice that then we heal the outer reality. What if all reality is as a reflection of the inner reality? That is there to help us learn how to become more aware of our own ego structure, how to realize we don't have to over-give. If you listen to the meditation, which is the whole point of point of meditation, now I have, I think it can absolutely transform your life. Let's know for 21 days, watch what happens. This will keep the image of them in your mind and also heal what that means a